Army memos

US Army memoranda pad

While rummaging through old boxes last week, I came across one of several dozen memoranda pads from my Army days. During my time in uniform, I made extensive use of them, recording everything from after-action reports and command briefings to the serial number of my barracks refrigerator (040201084, for future historians). If one were to take the time (and decipher my handwriting), they could piece together a fairly accurate timeline of my service.

This is not going to be a reminiscence.

Somewhere along the line, I started recording not only useful notes (the symptoms of leishmaniasis, for example) and important memos, but also funny quotes and sayings. Names have been withheld. This particular memoranda pad spans from JRTC to a few weeks into Afghanistan. Most quotes were jotted in margins and on the backs of random pages, so I’ve done my best to reconstruct missing details. Strong language follows. Enjoy:

(At a command briefing): “We expect total victory. We just don’t know who’s going to win.”

(At a evening briefing in Afghanistan): “Gentlemen, we’re hearing rumors that Patton will be in Paris by Christmas.”

(During an NCO meeting; a sergeant major to an unprepared senior NCO): “That guard tower is screaming your fucking name.”

(A support group commander, after receiving word that a firebase is running low on drinking water, again.): “I want water sent there every day. We’re going to make [redacted] the new fucking ocean.”

(Discussing a questionable situation and the rules of engagement): “You’d rather be judged by twelve than carried by six.”

(An NCO’s lament): “The fastest way to put on E-5 is to put on E-6.”

(During a meeting): “You’re going to need to sneak out there like a cat and chew up some ass like a dog.”

(During a meeting): “You’ll get briefed tomorrow at 1905 — at home, that’s 7:05 on the VCR.”

(A sergeant major to a soldier sent to liaison with 1st Cav [a tank division]): “We wish you the best. If you need anything, or have any problems with 1st Cav… ask someone over there for help.”

(The same sergeant major regarding 1st Cav): “Ask them about their horses. Tell them you thought it was going to smell like stalls, but it just smells like shit.”

(A squad leader, having just detailed a list of grueling tasks ahead): “I’m just fucking with you; we’re not doing any of that.”

(This one’s from JRTC. NOT THE WAR!)
Captain: “Who was the KIA?”
Sergeant: “Jones.”
Captain: “Argh! Well… I never liked that fucker anyway.”

(During a staff meeting — I’m ashamed to even type this one):
Sergeant: “The chow’s getting better.”
Captain: “Were’d you get that info? The comments written on toilet paper paint a different picture.”

(A captain at JRTC, sending a lieutenant on a convoy certain to be attacked): “The Army’s been around since 1775, and it will survive your loss. The Army will go on.”

(The same captain, after the lieutenant makes a case to stay behind): “If I were you, instead of talking I’d be brushing up on the lyrics to ‘East Bound and Down’.”